Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
texasboy:
;D Billy remembers fruit Polo`s >:D
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green.........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're a***-holes!!'
OP`ssss
cheers
PS dont let Chip see this one . He may copy it next month. >:D
billyfridge:
THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, Gibbler, who was
waiting for a bus, was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she
tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, Tex who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! you bloody perv
Tex smiled and drawled, 'Well, Gibbler, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'
:D
justme_68kt:
Why sentence structure is so important
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to
one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible
decision because they were both super workers. Rather
than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one
who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in
the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done
this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
Jaxx89:
Living in 2008
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Jaxx89:
BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face
like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a
face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
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