Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
peacefulguy:
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this!' and he
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go.
The elderly gentleman paused and said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'You have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.
death:
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
death:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
jchen:
--- Quote from: death on February 16, 2009, 09:52:49 am ---Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
--- End quote ---
Hehe! So funny!! ;D :D ;) :)
peacefulguy:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
0A
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
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