Forums > Offbeat Relish

Jokes...post them here.

<< < (33/39) > >>

olddays1:
Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

peacefulguy:
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my  husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling  me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in  front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

olddays1:
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. '

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around'.

peacefulguy:
Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny
emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

billyfridge:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl  'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

 ;D

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page