Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
billyfridge:
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
Tex goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
:D
texasboy:
;D Try this one Sir Billy.
If Nelson came back today!!
Nelson: "Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "’England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ’England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it . full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please."
Hardy: "That won’t be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we’re not."
Nelson: "We’re not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear yousaying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
cheers
texasboy:
Management course for all moderators.
Management Course
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each
of you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the 3-minute management course
Dont applaude,just hit my karma button.lol
cheers
billyfridge:
He he he.....nice ones Tex ;D
texasboy:
;D ;D Gave you a point for being nice for a change.
toodle pips.
cheers
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