Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
texasboy:
;D Yer right there Billy. What do you think of this one
In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated in mid England and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans"
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'
__________________
cheers
olddays1:
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular
customers at Sears or Home Depot.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out
shopping. Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you!
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car
as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and instead
ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get
in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, whilst the
other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, Jan 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, twice just
yesterday, and very likely again this weekend as soon as I can buy
more wallets.
Be warned.
texasboy:
;D.
The two Italians and an old lady
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A London bus stops in the West End, and, two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but starts to get uncomfortable when she hears one of the men say the following:-
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come a together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine!" the lady exclaimed indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
enjoy.
cheers
billyfridge:
OMG Olddays....I need some shopping myself, where do you go??? [shifty]
olddays1:
“A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.
”“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.
”Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends back home in Alabama call me Bubba.” ”
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