(http://A Stitch in Time:I can read it Billy. Not bad for a first one ;D cheers just hit quote and it comes up(how did you do that??)
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear ....
" The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing underwear!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.")
ha ha the joke is on me it wont bloody go on >:(
???..................... ::)In binary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Binary_numeral_system), 10 means two.
;D Almost as good as mine Billy ::)
VIAGRA---Not having to say "sorry"
cheers
Tex and I were sitting on a bench under a tree when I turned to Tex and said: "Tex, I'm 65 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Tex says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
he he he
Tex was telling Minlo, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered Minlo . "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty ."
:D
What the bloody hell are you prattling on about Tex..........have you been consorting with 'Jack Daniels' ? :D
;D ;D ;D Another one for Billy.lol
Weight Loss Program for Him
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The
same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are
you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
__________________
Dont you just love it.lol
cheers
He he he...........don't give yer day job up Tex ::)
Good couple of postings guys ....alot of that stuff Billy happens here in the states as well....
three men went in the wood one day for a walk they came across a hut in the middle of the wood. 1st man went in the hut and noticed £5 on the table all of a sudden a voice shouts this is the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he got scared so he run out to tell the others 2nd man laffs and then enters the hut again the voice went im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he also got scared so he run out, the 3rd man entered the hut and heard the voice say im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table but instead of running out he repied i the ghost of davy crocket that £5 goes in my pocket lol
hope u like
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
A man left the following letter at home for his wife to find" To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
__________________
Simple arithmatic.lol
cheers
Not a joke, but something that stumped me for along time.
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
;D I`m sure you have all seen the latest one floating around since the USA elections and Obama,
All the black ladies in the southern states have shaved off their pubic hair and sent the following message to Obama.
Read our lips.
No Bush here!!!!
cheers
;D I`m sure you have all seen the latest one floating around since the USA elections and Obama,
All the black ladies in the southern states have shaved off their pubic hair and sent the following message to Obama.
Read our lips.
No Bush here!!!!
cheers
Tex, and his wife were driving to London UK,
He gets pulled over by the Police,
The woman police officer says, "Sir, did you know you were speeding?"
Tex turns to his wife and asks, "What did she say?"
His wife yells, "SHE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The police woman says, "May I see your license?"
Tex turns to his wife and asks, "What did she say?"
Mrs Tex yells, "SHE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
Tex gives her his license.
The police woman says, "I see you are from Ireland. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a man I have ever had."
Tex turns to his wife and asks, "What did she say?"
"SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS YOU," the wife yells.
[LOL!]
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you pray really, REALLY hard tonight, when the sun rises tomorrow you will be able to see!" Needless to say, Anthony prays up a storm! Morning came and Anthony is still blind.
He starts crying and his mom rushes in. She gasps, "Anthony, what's wrong?"
Anthony wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard but I'm still blind!" His Mom gently pats him on the head. "I know, honey. April Fools!"
Haha to funny, must try that on the wife lol ;D
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."