RefreshCapcha

Author Topic: Jokes...post them here.  (Read 156360 times)

Offline billyfridge

  • Unstoppable
  • ******
  • Posts: 1853
  • Karma: +377/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #150 on: February 04, 2009, 07:01:22 pm »
Haha to funny, must try that on the wife lol  ;D

OMG Peaceful, do you really want to sleep in the spare room??....LOL

Offline peacefulguy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 224
  • Karma: +98/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #151 on: February 05, 2009, 03:40:34 pm »
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

jchen

  • Guest
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #152 on: February 10, 2009, 12:30:16 pm »
good jokes!!!!!!! :D :D

jchen

  • Guest
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #153 on: February 10, 2009, 12:31:11 pm »
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


It's funny but I don't really get it.  :P

Offline billyfridge

  • Unstoppable
  • ******
  • Posts: 1853
  • Karma: +377/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #154 on: February 15, 2009, 08:40:13 am »

MinLo works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife Tera thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, MinLo! How ya doin?'

Tera is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says MinLo. 'He's in my bowling league.’

When they are seated, a waitress asks MinLo if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

Tera is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around MinLo, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Minniwinni. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Tera, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

MinLo follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

MinLo tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez MinLo, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

 :D

Offline peacefulguy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 224
  • Karma: +98/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #155 on: February 16, 2009, 05:23:32 am »
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this!' and he
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The elderly gentleman paused and said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'You have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Offline death

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 337
  • Karma: +188/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #156 on: February 16, 2009, 09:52:22 am »
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Offline death

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 337
  • Karma: +188/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #157 on: February 16, 2009, 09:52:49 am »
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

jchen

  • Guest
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #158 on: February 16, 2009, 12:39:09 pm »
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go
back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track
of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to
be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."



Hehe! So funny!!  ;D :D ;) :)

Offline peacefulguy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 224
  • Karma: +98/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #159 on: February 22, 2009, 03:32:09 pm »
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the  Connor   Pass. 
At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
0A
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Offline olddays1

  • Convivea News Anchor
  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 316
  • Karma: +207/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #160 on: February 23, 2009, 04:51:45 am »
Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Offline peacefulguy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 224
  • Karma: +98/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #161 on: March 12, 2009, 07:36:14 pm »
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my  husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling  me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in  front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

I stop.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline olddays1

  • Convivea News Anchor
  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 316
  • Karma: +207/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #162 on: March 16, 2009, 04:43:59 am »
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown. '

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around'.

Offline peacefulguy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 224
  • Karma: +98/-0
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #163 on: August 02, 2009, 12:35:24 pm »
Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the
sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she
slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny
emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just
enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.


Offline billyfridge

  • Unstoppable
  • ******
  • Posts: 1853
  • Karma: +377/-1
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #164 on: October 19, 2009, 08:42:20 am »

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl  'Will you marry me?'  The girl said, 'NO!'  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

 ;D