Author Topic: Jokes...post them here.  (Read 286370 times)

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #75 on: January 22, 2008, 05:16:37 am »
 ;D Yer right there Billy. What do you think of this one

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated in mid England and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans"

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'
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cheers

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #76 on: January 27, 2008, 04:42:36 am »
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular
customers at Sears or Home Depot.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out
shopping. Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car
as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their cleavage almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and instead
ask you for a lift to another shopping centre. You agree and they get
in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, whilst the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, Jan 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, twice just
yesterday, and very likely again this weekend as soon as I can buy
more wallets.

Be warned.

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #77 on: February 04, 2008, 10:08:40 am »
 ;D.
The two Italians and an old lady

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A London bus stops in the West End, and, two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but starts to get uncomfortable when she hears one of the men say the following:-
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once-a-more. Two asses, they come a together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine!" the lady exclaimed indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

enjoy.
cheers

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #78 on: February 04, 2008, 10:29:53 am »
OMG Olddays....I need some shopping myself, where do you go??? [shifty]

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #79 on: February 07, 2008, 08:11:17 am »
“A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

 She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

”“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.

”Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends back home in Alabama call me Bubba.” ”

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #80 on: February 20, 2008, 07:42:20 am »
 ;D It had to come from a cowboy.lol

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

! The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He
did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off
my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)
cheers

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #81 on: February 20, 2008, 10:09:51 am »
 [yikes]

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #82 on: February 21, 2008, 06:58:59 am »
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, th e dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

 The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #83 on: February 21, 2008, 10:08:23 am »
He he he.............nice one :D

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #84 on: February 22, 2008, 07:06:22 am »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #85 on: February 22, 2008, 09:15:25 am »
A man left the following letter at home for his wife to find" To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight."



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
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Simple arithmatic.lol
cheers

seancwatson

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #86 on: February 22, 2008, 04:20:49 pm »
 <----x:|

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
A man left the following letter at home for his wife to find" To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight."



When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
__________________
Simple arithmatic.lol
cheers

Ah hahahaha omfg. Those are good. I seriosly ROFLed   [LOL!]

seancwatson

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #87 on: February 22, 2008, 04:25:43 pm »
ABCs and Math…
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.  How about achieving 103%?  What makes life 100%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

and

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And, look how far this will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 127%

seancwatson

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #88 on: February 22, 2008, 04:37:32 pm »
And here's another one:

Adam & Eve…

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.  Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her.  Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.  Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.  Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.  Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord…  and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #89 on: February 24, 2008, 10:17:46 am »
 ;D  good stuff.lol Dont even spell Missiissippi River. >:D
cheers
« Last Edit: February 24, 2008, 10:20:46 am by texasboy »