Jokes...post them here.

[olddays1]

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, ' I clocked You at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps Your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't
be silly dear, You know that this car doesn't have cruise
control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and Growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful
your radar Detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector Unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat Belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off When you pulled me over so that I could get my
license
out of my back Pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your Seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns To his wife and barks,
'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk To you this way, Ma'am?




'Only when he's been drinking.'

[olddays1]

Two lawyers are on vacation and walking along the beach.

They come across a beautiful girl, passed out naked in the sand.

The one says to the other "Lets screw her".

The second lawyer says "out of what?"

[texasboy]

Night Out with the Wife.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Billy! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Billy. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Billy if he'd like his usual and brings over a Boddington`s

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Boddingtons?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Boddies at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Billy, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Billies wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Billy follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Billy tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Billy, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Billies funeral will be on Friday.

 
cheers

[texasboy]

  And in case you missed the last one ,here is one from my neck of the woods.

The Irishman's Wish

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An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie.
It says, 'I will give you three wishes.'
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, 'I want a beer that never is empty.'
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, 'I want two more of these.'

cheers

[billyfridge]

he he he............nice ones Tex

[Petrena]

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at condom factory. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the condom factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check

For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?


"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[texasboy]

  Fuzzy, This one is for you.lol
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. Each bragged that their pet cat was the smartest and best trained by them to work in their professional fields. They decided to put them to a test to decide once and for all whose cat was better trained.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was very good.

Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said, "What can YOUR cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. He won!

Hope you like.
cheers
2)A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." 

[texasboy]

   While I`m in the mood.

Two nuns, Sister Phyllis and Sister Mary Lou, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Lou. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Phyllis. Sister Mary Lou switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Phyllis.

Sister Mary Lou turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Lou.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Phyllis.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Lou. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f*ck off our car!"

cheers

[death]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off
and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

[texasboy]

  Your getting better.lol
cheers

[death]

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

[texasboy]

  enjoy.

**Camilla bought herself a pair of new shoes for her wedding to Charles,They got increasingly tighter And tighter as the day wore on..

When night came,And all the festivities were finally over,They retired to their room where Camilla flopped onto the bed,And said.
"Please,Charles my darling would you help me to remove my shoes,My feet are killing me!"..

And being the ever-obedient gentleman,And the Prince of Wales he attacked her right shoe with vigour,But it would not budge an inch..

"Harder darling!",Yelled Camilla..

"Harder!,"Charles cried out,I’m trying as hard as i can darling,But it’s just so bloody tight!.."

"Come on my hero!,Give it all you’ve got,"She cried out..

Finally,When it did release,Charles let out one big groan,And Camilla exclaimed.

"There!,Oh,God,That feels so good!.."

In their own bedroom next door,The Queen said to Prince Phillip..

"See?,I told you with a face like that she would still be a virgin!!.."

Meanwhile as Charles tried to remove Camilla’s left shoe,He cried out.

"Oh,My God,Darling!,This one is even tighter!.."

At this point Prince Phillip looked at the Queen and said.

"That’s my boy,Once a Navyman,Alway’s a Navyman!.."

Back door anyone.He,He.
cheers

[billyfridge]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's bosom, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"

[death]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[texasboy]

 

The Pope And The Seven Dwarfs

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven
dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

cheers