Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
Petrena:
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at condom factory. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery And offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "You have to check 1 in a hundred", And proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the Production line, stretches it, holds it up to the Lights, Then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the Prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the condom factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it and holds it up to the light to check
For holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.
Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously Masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary Who says...?
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
texasboy:
;D Fuzzy, This one is for you.lol
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. Each bragged that their pet cat was the smartest and best trained by them to work in their professional fields. They decided to put them to a test to decide once and for all whose cat was better trained.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was very good.
Then the three men turned to the government Worker and said, "What can YOUR cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. He won!
Hope you like.
cheers
2)A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." ::)
texasboy:
;D While I`m in the mood. >:D
Two nuns, Sister Phyllis and Sister Mary Lou, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Lou. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Phyllis. Sister Mary Lou switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Phyllis.
Sister Mary Lou turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Lou.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Phyllis.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Lou. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f*ck off our car!"
cheers
death:
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off
and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
texasboy:
;D Your getting better.lol
cheers
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