Forums > Offbeat Relish
Jokes...post them here.
olddays1:
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, ' I clocked You at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps Your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't
be silly dear, You know that this car doesn't have cruise
control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over
at his wife and Growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful
your radar Detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector Unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat Belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on,
but took it off When you pulled me over so that I could get my
license
out of my back Pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your Seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
the driver turns To his wife and barks,
'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk To you this way, Ma'am?
'Only when he's been drinking.'
olddays1:
Two lawyers are on vacation and walking along the beach.
They come across a beautiful girl, passed out naked in the sand.
The one says to the other "Lets screw her".
The second lawyer says "out of what?"
texasboy:
Night Out with the Wife.
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Billy works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Billy! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Billy. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Billy if he'd like his usual and brings over a Boddington`s
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Boddingtons?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Boddies at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Billy, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Billies wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Billy follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Billy tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Billy, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Billies funeral will be on Friday.
;D ;D
cheers
texasboy:
;D And in case you missed the last one ,here is one from my neck of the woods.
The Irishman's Wish
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An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie.
It says, 'I will give you three wishes.'
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, 'I want a beer that never is empty.'
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, 'I want two more of these.'
cheers
billyfridge:
he he he............nice ones Tex :D
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