Author Topic: Jokes...post them here.  (Read 154061 times)

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #165 on: October 29, 2009, 03:14:12 am »
 For Fuzz...

Cats

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #166 on: January 12, 2010, 05:00:31 am »
I just got scammed out of $25! Bought a Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 holes". Turns out it's about golf. Damn waste of money.

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #167 on: February 06, 2010, 07:15:46 am »
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband starts waving the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

Offline peacefulguy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #168 on: February 06, 2010, 09:56:35 am »
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes; she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God: "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "That's a little steep. What can I get, say, for just a rib?"

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #169 on: March 13, 2010, 06:12:39 am »
MinLo met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for  $500 . They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'   
On the way to the office, MinLo regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for  $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for  $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for  $250 with the following note: 
'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

 [couchhide]

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #170 on: March 13, 2010, 07:17:19 am »
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 [couchhide]
 

Offline peacefulguy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #171 on: March 25, 2010, 07:54:40 am »
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while,
Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the toilet.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.  I had to go to the toilet.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
 :D :D :D

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #172 on: March 25, 2010, 10:32:59 am »
 [LOL!]

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #173 on: April 11, 2010, 02:29:04 am »
Minlo and his wife were shopping in the mall, somehow they got separated.
Minlo searched, but couldn't find his wife, so he stopped a big busted blonde and said ''will you talk to me for a minute?''
the blonde asked ''why'' Minlo said ''I lost my wife in here and if I stand talking to a beautiful woman my wife usually appears in seconds''


 [LOL!]

Offline peacefulguy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #174 on: May 11, 2010, 09:12:59 pm »
Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby..
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,
but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
 The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during  conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
 When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a  good ting we didn't use WD-40.

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #175 on: May 26, 2010, 07:26:28 am »
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #176 on: May 26, 2010, 09:08:04 am »
LOL...heard that before but it always makes mt laugh...

MinLo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #177 on: May 27, 2010, 04:47:43 pm »
Funny as usual guys, idk where the hell you guys get this jokes but very entertaining  ;D ;D ;D

This one needs a little revision Billy....

"Minlo and his wife were shopping in the mall, somehow they got separated.
Minlo searched, but couldn't find his wife, so he stopped a big busted blonde and said ''will you talk to me for a minute?''
the blonde asked ''why'' Minlo said ''I lost my wife in here and if I stand talking to a beautiful woman my wife usually appears in seconds to beat the living crap outta of me but atleast I won't have to spend a hour searching around for her''

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #178 on: May 27, 2010, 08:03:07 pm »
A married man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for  £500 . They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' 
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for  £250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for  £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for  £250 with the following note: 
'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

 :D

Offline peacefulguy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #179 on: July 24, 2010, 04:22:23 pm »
Two old men are sitting in a retirement home chatting, "I'm full of aches and pains today Alf, how do you feel?" Alf replies, "Like a newborn baby Fred." "Really" says Fred, "a newborn baby?" "Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I've just shit myself."