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Author Topic: Jokes...post them here.  (Read 149159 times)

gr1ngo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #30 on: August 13, 2007, 09:32:56 pm »
How to fix a slice


Tom’s tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it’s not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he’s making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!" "Yeah, what is it?" "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn’t see what happened to it." "Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van’s window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!" "Oh my God! What should I do?" " "Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . ."

MinLo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2007, 11:16:21 am »
 :D :D :D

cissie

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #32 on: August 18, 2007, 09:28:39 pm »
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

gr1ngo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #33 on: August 20, 2007, 08:43:26 pm »
Heard this on the radio today.

At a high powered business lunch, a top executive met this gorgeous teenager and had a fling with her.
4 weeks late she contacts him to tell him she is pregnant...he does not want this to come out as he is married and would probably lose his job as well...so he tell her to go away have the baby and contact him and he will look after their every need...just send him a postcard with the word spaghetti on it..he will know what it means.
8 months later he come home from work and his wife says there is a postcard for you
He looks at the postcard and faints,after he recovers he looks at the postcard again and it read...
spaghetti ,spaghetti ,spaghetti two with meatballs and one without.

cissie

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #34 on: August 20, 2007, 09:15:36 pm »
That was funny... hehehehe

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2007, 01:25:18 am »
Subject: Re: VOTED THE BEST JOKE IN UK IN 2006

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into K-mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance. 
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-mart, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course
they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why
the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they
look alike, you d*ckhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would f**k you twice!"

 :D

 

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #36 on: September 04, 2007, 12:31:14 pm »

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives
came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?' one asked.
'Not yet,' said the mother. 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for
awhile first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, 'May we see the
new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed,
they asked again, 'May we see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, 'Well, when can we see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told them.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' they demanded. 'Why do we have to wait until he cries?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM'.

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #37 on: September 06, 2007, 07:36:27 am »
 ;D Billy,  Me being politically correct enjoyed the K-Mart one.lol

Confucius say Chinese woman flying upside down in aircraft have "honourable crack up"
cheers

gr1ngo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #38 on: September 12, 2007, 08:52:15 am »
wee johnny walks into his parents bedroom and see's his dad giving his mum a good seeing to, laughing like hell his dad throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out of here ya bugger" a short while later the johnny's dad hears a commotion from johnny's room
so he rushes in and is horrified to see we johnny giving his gran a seeing to,
johnny just looks at him and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.not so fecking funny when its your mum is it ? ? ?

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #39 on: September 12, 2007, 09:01:06 am »
 ;D ;D Way to go gringo.lol
cheers

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2007, 05:49:17 pm »

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"


Tex goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

 :D

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #41 on: October 19, 2007, 09:18:00 am »
 ;D Try this one Sir Billy.
If Nelson came back today!!

Nelson: "Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "’England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ’England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it . full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please."

Hardy: "That won’t be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we’re not."

Nelson: "We’re not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear yousaying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
cheers

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #42 on: October 30, 2007, 09:38:26 am »
Management course for all moderators.

Management Course

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each
of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say





Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

Dont applaude,just hit my karma button.lol
cheers

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #43 on: October 30, 2007, 05:16:07 pm »
He he he.....nice ones Tex ;D

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #44 on: November 01, 2007, 09:57:49 am »
 ;D ;D Gave you a point for being nice for a change.
toodle pips.
cheers