Jokes...post them here.

[texasboy]

  For our USA members.
 U.S Marine

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you hold the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road; and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out....

cheers
__________________

[billyfridge]

Another good one Tex...LOL

[MinLo]

 

good one tex!

[texasboy]

  And Billy thought that "knickers" were part of the female attire.lol  Did you wear yours as a youngster Billy?

"Knickers," however, is definitely an American invention. It's actually short for "knickerbockers," which takes a bit of explaining. In 1809, Washington Irving (of "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" fame) wrote his satirical "A History of New York," creating as his fictional narrator the character of Diedrich Knickerbocker, a prosperous inhabitant of the old Dutch colony of New Amsterdam (which later became New York City). In the illustrations in early editions of the book, Knickerbocker is portrayed wearing loose-fitting breeches, trousers that end just below the knee. Such pants, worn in the 19th century by boys and men engaged in various sports, soon became known as "knickerbockers," by 1881 commonly shortened to "knickers."

It was still common in the 1930s and 40s for "knickers" to be worn as trousers by young boys in the US, but by the late 19th century the term was also being used for undergarments worn by women and children, which is the sense most often heard in the UK today.

What colour were yours.??
cheers

[billyfridge]

What the bloody hell are you prattling on about Tex..........have you been consorting with 'Jack Daniels' ?

[texasboy]

What the bloody hell are you prattling on about Tex..........have you been consorting with 'Jack Daniels' ?

  YES. Then I thought of Lynchburg Tennessee where Jack Daniels is made, which made me think of all those  americans running around with their knickers on.
cheers

[texasboy]

    Another one for Billy.lol

Weight Loss Program for Him

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The
same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are
you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
__________________
Dont you just love it.lol
cheers

[texasboy]

One for the ladies.

Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.Walter


  cheers

[cissie]

Typical... hehe....  a man talking about cars always seems to take precedence over sex.... i know a guy who would rather fix his car than go to bed for hot love making... silly bugger!!! 

Women have an ignition switch as well... have a really great motor, and they also have twin carbies... much softer kind of course... their manifold is a little more difficult to find, but once found it's all systems go.  Check your dip stick to check the oil levels, then when well lubricated, it's get in and  drive it wild...  


( i think my imagination got a little carried away...  )

[MinLo]

  Another one for Billy.lol

Weight Loss Program for Him

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as
a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after
her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The
same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She
is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are
you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
__________________
Dont you just love it.lol
cheers

 

[texasboy]

  Since I`m in the mood.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No .. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



cheers

[billyfridge]

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET
coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the
counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
 

[texasboy]

  Billy, we have disabled spots at the ice rink for the disabled parents and grandparents



THE WHITE GUY WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an White man who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story??...........................


OH, Come on............take a guess!

Think about it............

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is..........








You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
__________________
cheers

[billyfridge]

He he he...........don't give yer day job up Tex

[texasboy]

He he he...........don't give yer day job up Tex

lol. Wont be too long now Billy. Then I can concentrate on this thread.
cheers