Author Topic: Jokes...post them here.  (Read 286375 times)

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #60 on: December 12, 2007, 09:28:47 am »
 ;D
 RAF 1 - Police 0

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RAF 1 Police 0


Top this for a speeding ticket


Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an
unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great
North Road .

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to
check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was
surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then
stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the
North Sea , which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border
district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint
to the R A F Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic R A F style. "Thank you for your
message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be
interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had
automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a
jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder
Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on
to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to
the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the
automatic protection system before the missile was launched


cheers

Offline chip!

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #61 on: December 15, 2007, 04:52:41 am »
lol.... whether thats true or not, its pretty funny...   

keep them coming, i love the jokes!  O0
  -  https://convivea.com  -   And...  boom goes the dynamite.

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #62 on: December 17, 2007, 08:43:11 am »
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #63 on: December 18, 2007, 04:24:52 am »
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.' In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by; the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. For a video to see how beer works click here:

BeerDemo http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


enjoy.
cheers

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #64 on: December 18, 2007, 05:50:11 am »
 That link is a killer!

MinLo

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #65 on: December 20, 2007, 03:16:36 am »
Good couple of postings guys ....alot of that stuff Billy happens here in the states as well....     

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #66 on: December 20, 2007, 11:38:09 am »
Good couple of postings guys ....alot of that stuff Billy happens here in the states as well....     

I think it's called 'progress' Minlo ::)

zhaine177

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #67 on: January 04, 2008, 08:42:32 pm »
Already late for the deal the smalltime coked up dealer was nervously looking to park his car in heavy traffic. His phone rings. It was the Jamaican druglord.
" Yo were the drugs at mon? Tings are getting harry hea booy! You r five minats awee from bein dead!!" The line closes before the dealer can reply.

He looks up at the sky and starts praying.
" Oh God Almighty please have mercy on my useless soul and spare me this one time. Save me by finding me a parking spot so I can get the drugs to the deal ontime. I promise if You do I'll quit using drugs, I'll stop dealing drugs and I'll stop lying to everyone."

At that moment about three cars down, someone gets into his car and starts pulling away from a parking spot.
The dealer screams!
" Nevermind God I found one!!!!! "
« Last Edit: January 04, 2008, 08:49:49 pm by zhaine177 »

Offline olddays1

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #68 on: January 07, 2008, 07:25:19 am »
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies . "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says,"That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party."

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #69 on: January 11, 2008, 05:33:25 am »
If any of you have ever had an accident at work ,you will know how important PPI is (Personal Protection Insurance). You might want to have a look at this.

Would PPI cover this?

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form.
I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.

Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel." "Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

 ;D
cheers

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #70 on: January 11, 2008, 05:39:00 am »
 ;D ;D.
Now if that wasn't good enough for you. I offer the following. >:D

Buy a new husband in
London
....

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in London , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find
a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have
Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks,
"but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and
are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to
keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand
it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay,
but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that
love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

cheers

jinjorob

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #71 on: January 11, 2008, 11:46:25 pm »
three men went in the wood one day for a walk they came across a hut in the middle of the wood. 1st man went in the hut and noticed £5 on the table all of a sudden a voice shouts this is the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he got scared so he run out to tell the others 2nd man laffs and then enters the hut again the voice went im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he also got scared so he run out, the 3rd man entered the hut and heard the voice say im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table but instead of running out he repied i the ghost of davy crocket that £5 goes in my pocket lol
hope u like 

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #72 on: January 13, 2008, 08:51:29 am »
three men went in the wood one day for a walk they came across a hut in the middle of the wood. 1st man went in the hut and noticed £5 on the table all of a sudden a voice shouts this is the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he got scared so he run out to tell the others 2nd man laffs and then enters the hut again the voice went im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table, he also got scared so he run out, the 3rd man entered the hut and heard the voice say im the ghost of auntie mable that £5 stays on the table but instead of running out he repied i the ghost of davy crocket that £5 goes in my pocket lol
hope u like 

he he he ...nice one jinjorob  :D

texasboy

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #73 on: January 21, 2008, 09:03:04 am »
Billy is already at this stage >:D

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixtyYears."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...
Enjoy
cheers

Offline billyfridge

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Re: Jokes...post them here.
« Reply #74 on: January 21, 2008, 07:18:27 pm »
OMG....that is so true, isn't it Texasboy?