Jokes...post them here.

[billyfridge]

ha ha the joke is on me it wont bloody go on

Edit (by Deck):
A Stitch in Time:
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear ....
" The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing underwear!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[texasboy]

ha ha the joke is on me it wont bloody go on

I can read it Billy. Not bad for a first one  cheers just hit quote and it comes up(how did you do that??)

[deckkeeper]

err, he put image tags around it. I'll fix it for you.

[kujo]

Not so much a joke, more of a funny rumor that has been going around for a while, this supposedly did actually happen....

What follows is an actual transcript of communications between a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

[billyfridge]

[billyfridge]

Here's one for Gibbler..................

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "derr.... like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

 

[chip!]

What did the alien say to the gas pump??





HEY.. get your FINGER... out of your EAR... when i'm talking to YOU!!!!!




ha.  ha.

[billyfridge]

[kujo]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked  through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and
showed it to  him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand. I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to  his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's  a stunning ring at only £40,000", the jeweller
said.

The young lady's  eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man, seeing this, said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment  would be made and the old man stated, "By
cheque. I know you need  to make sure my cheque is good,  so I'll write it
now and you can call  the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday  afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the  old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I  had?"

[deckkeeper]

Topics merged.

[deckkeeper]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

[billyfridge]

 .....................

[weera]

Football in Heaven

Two close friends, Ucup and Boneng, was sitting-sat while feeding the fish in the pond and discussed football,
the game that was played by them every day, moreover for the world cup yesterday.
Suddenly Ucup said to Boneng, "According to you, is there football in heaven?"
Boneng thought for a moment and answered, "Wow, I don't know..
But let's made the agreement then: if I died first, I will return and tell you if they had football in heaven, and if you died first,
you must do the same thing."

They did the handshake and the sadness is several months afterwards, Ucup unfortunate died.
One day, as usual Boneng was sitting at the edge of the pond feeding his fish alone when he heard the voice whispering,
"Neng.. Boneng..." Boneng surprised and looking around him, "Ucup..?! Is that you there?"
Yes It's Me, Neng", whispered the ghost Ucup.

In his astonishment Boneng asked, "So, did they had football in heaven?"
"Hold on.." Ucup said, I had the good news and the bad news here."
"Tell me the good news first then", said Boneng still curious.
Ucup said, "Yes... There was football in heaven.."
Boneng is very happy,  "That's great!" Then what's the bad news that could ruin this great news?!

Ucup bellowed and whispered, "you will be the goalkeeper this Saturday........."

[deckkeeper]

.....................

In binary, 10 means two.

[kujo]

Not so much a joke but someone sent me this which I found to be quite amusing...

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

         1. Yes                                  =       No

         2. No                                    =       Yes

         3. Maybe                               =       No

         4. We need                            =       I want

         5. I am sorry                           =       you'll be sorry

         6. We need to talk                   =       you're in trouble

         7. Sure, go ahead                    =       you better not

         8. Do what you want                 =       you will pay for this  later

         9. I am not upset                      =      Of course I am upset, you moron!

       10. You're very attentive tonight    =      is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH


         1. I am hungry                                     =       I am hungry

         2. I am sleepy                                      =       I am sleepy

         3. I am tired                                         =       I am tired

         4. Nice dress                                        =       Nice cleavage!

         5. I love you                                          =       let's have sex now

         6. I am bored                                         =       Do you want to have sex?

         7. May I have this dance?                       =       I'd like to have sex with you

         8. Can I call you sometime?                    =       I'd like to have sex with you

         9. Do you want to go to a movie?             =       I'd like to have sex with you

         10. Can I take you out to dinner?              =       I'd like to have sex with you

         11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit    =      I'm gay


And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces  attractive depending on where
they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol
and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.