Jokes...post them here.

[olddays1]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough .And,after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[morrisonhs]

One day Mom is cleaning up her son's room, and she finds a kinky S&M magazine.
She hides it until Dad comes home and she shows it to him.

"What do you think we should do about this?" She asks.
Dad replies, "Well, I don't think we should spank him."


 

[texasboy]

  Eye, Eye.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man he instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










She says:"You just happened to catch my eye."(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

cheers
__________________

[RiffRaff]

Not a joke, but something that stumped me for along time.
 

[texasboy]

 

 Ballerina

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into the Three Kings.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina'
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina." 

cheers

[billyfridge]

Not a joke, but something that stumped me for along time.
 

It's the way Tex tells 'em Riff....

[olddays1]

Mans best friend,
is it your wife or your dog??

lock both of them in the trunk of your car for 1 hour....
and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out!

[olddays1]

    A lady walks into Tiffany's.  She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

    As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.   Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.   As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,

    'Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?'   Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

    He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.� .

[chip!]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

[texasboy]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

So old chip. You are struggling.
cheers

[texasboy]

   Billy remembers fruit Polo`s

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
'Red............cherry,'
'Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green.........lime,'
'Orange........orange.'
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
'Oh My God!!!! They're a***-holes!!'

OP`ssss
cheers

PS dont let Chip see this one . He may copy it next month.

[billyfridge]

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, Gibbler, who was
waiting for a bus, was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she
tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, Tex who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! you bloody perv
Tex smiled and drawled, 'Well, Gibbler, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'

 

[justme_68kt]

Why sentence structure is so important


 The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to
 one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible
 decision because they were both super workers. Rather
 than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one
 who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in
 the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
 all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

 The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done
 this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

 "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[Jaxx89]

Living in 2008


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

[Jaxx89]

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!


HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face
like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a
face like
yours!!



HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!



HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!



HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!



HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
time!!!



HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!



HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.



HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .



HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.